Drew

Something shocking and tragic has recently happened in my life: my econ instructor, who was a Teacher's Assistant, took his own life one week ago. He was 23 years old and incredibly intelligent. This guy knew more about the economy than the president's advisors. He also seemed to be quite a history buff. His name is Drew.

Drew was schizophrenic and bi-polar. Although it never seemed to show, it was clear by the way he talked and acted that something was wrong. Despite his disorders, Drew quite enjoyed a good laugh. His type of humor, though, was not typical. It was extremely subtle and often times (how I perceived it) unintentional, which happens to be my favorite style. It just seems more genuine in that sense.

The whole idea of someone I talked to and relied on being gone..forever is still hard to wrap my mind around. I chatted with him. I experienced his aura. I watched him put his hands on the small of his back while he was in a heated lecture and have the sweat press up against his shirt causing it to become soaking wet by the end of class. And now to think that I can never experience these events again is uncanny. I may even still be in denial, although I saw his corpse with my own two eyes.

The most mysterious aspect of this situation is I can't contemplate why he would have done it. I do understand his disorders most likely played a major role in it, but why weren't people near to stop him? Did he plan this? Was he unhappy or overwhelmed? Was he in control over his thoughts when it happened, or did the schizophrenia consume him? Was he in distress when he did it, or was he completely calm?

How did he do it?

I wish I could have known Drew more, or differently, than I did. However, I am extremely thankful God put him in my life, even though it was a short period of it. I have yet to figure out if and what God is showing me through this situation.

Realization

I wouldn't quite say I'm a pessimistic person, but lately I've been down in the dumps to say the least. It's not that I have a terrible life. It's quite the contrary, in fact. However, my outlook on life is being altered by dreaming too big. I know people always say to have big dreams so I can accomplish a lot, but I think that philosophy is corrupt. Dreaming big only sets people up for let downs. I say dream realistically. When I dream realistically, I can accomplish things and get the same satisfaction I'd get as if I accomplished something huge. Either way, it's the feeling of accomplishment. The only difference is the plausibility of the dream. I have a greater chance of accomplishing smaller things, especially at my stage of life, than mammoth things. Here is where the "baby steps" concept comes into play. As life progresses and my resources grow, my goals and ambitions can slowly increase. As this happens, the probability of accomplishment stays constant as the level of the goal increases. I don't want to shoot for the moon when I know it is impossible for me to reach it right now.